Tonight I'll drink a toast! A toast to my parents (my God rest their souls) who, when I was a child, did everything in their power to make Christmas magical for me and my brother and sister. A toast of thanks for such joy, such wonder, such magic!
You see? This year is the first holiday season that I will be without either parent around. Yes, I miss them, but now I'm free to start my own traditions, build my own Christmas happiness and joy, eliminate the pressures and guilts that go with all the "family crap" that seems to seep into all holiday "celebrations(?)"! I can do what I want, when I want (maybe) and not be tied to all sorts of imagined expectations and limits!
Much joy to be had!
But, then reality smacks me backhanded across the face. Knocks me back. Wakes me up. This body that my spirit chose to live in is doing some pretty nasty things to itself this morning and for the past three or four days. Massive pains throughout for no pin-point-able reason--it has to be the MS acting up. Shooting pains in various spots in my left leg, my left hand and arm, my right foot and calf. Not to mention the dull headache that just doesn't seem to go away at all.
My left leg, all last night was cramping up so badly that it woke me from a sound sleep a couple of times. No position allowed relief. Then after the main cramp was gone, the little spasms continued for several hours, only now settling down after walking the dog. The right leg was only doing the spasms stuff, complementing the cramp in the left. I spent pretty much all night wondering if I'd be able to walk this morning.
Then, another major hypoglycemic attack where my sugars plummeted quite quickly this time. Still no real "hypo" signs but for the slight lightheaded and my sensor/pump beeping wildly! Thank goodness for sensors and beepings and such! When I did get downstairs to get a meter reading of sugar level, I was quite shocked to see the 44. Not 444, just 44 -- no wonder the sensor was going off! I ate a ton of jelly beans (too many for sure) then headed back up to try to get some sleep, but the MS stuff kicked in and the rest is history!
Enjoy! and Merry Christmas!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Well, it's official! I'm tired of being ill. Just flat out tired of it!
What can I do about it? Not much. The word "futile" comes to mind immediately because out of all the things I've tried to help myself feel better, nothing seems to work or work well for any period of time. Oh, I'll keep plugging along, but it's becoming so very hard. It takes too much energy.
But! Tomorrow is coming! Maybe, just maybe....
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Hello! Long time no post.
I know, I know, but a lot of shit has happened since Feb 1. My mom did pass, eventually, on February 25. She went through one hell of a month and as I found out, pretty much because my ...sarcasm hat on... dear sweet darling wonderful fabulous ...sarcasm hat off... brother never showed the hospital or her doctors or the nursing home or anyone "in charge" her Living Will. It clearly stated that she did NOT want to be hooked up to the life-saving devices OR intubated for sure! But she was and suffered because of it. Very sad all around. On top of all that, my hands were tied--at the time I could do nothing. I wasn't "welcome" in "their" home at all, so going barging in and grabbing the papers myself was out of the question. Plus, I was scared to death that my brother would shoot me. He had a gun.
Long story short, after this trauma, drama, and general bullshit, my brother caved when he realized that the rental company was kicking him out of the apartment my mom had rented for so many years. Yep, he had to do something so (drum-roll please) duh-ta-da-dum! Me to the rescue!
He signed all powers over to me, so I inherited all the paperwork! But, as it turns out, if I hadn't have stepped in, or wasn't willing to step in, nothing would've gotten done! Well, since then all has settled down regarding the paperwork and now all I'm looking at is the final tax returns and final estate return which I can file come January 1st.
It's strange...yesterday I awoke with a very deep, profound sense of loss, but for the life of me couldn't figure out what it was all about, until now. It's the finality of my mom's estate, the closing the door on a life well-lived. Sad.
Anyway, throughout the year my MS has progressed with flare-ups throughout--I wonder why?--with a major relapse that started October 2nd. It was then that I had two days of "oh my God, make it stop!!!" vertigo and dizziness almost to the point of throwing up. Then all sorts of new pains, spasms, numbness started all over again. It was shortly after those couple of days that I started thinking about re-trying the Copaxone and maybe getting back to physical therapy, but nothing came of it until November. Wow!!! Time goes by so quickly when you're having so much fun! Right? This is fun, right? Living is fun? Maybe? Constant pain is fun? Or am I deluding myself?
It was November 7th that I finally listened to all those Copaxone syringes, screaming at me from the fridge, "Take ME! Take ME! No, take ME! We can help!"
And you know what? They did help!
Next, it was going back to physical therapy and that happened shortly after my first-again shot, oh about three days after even. With more than three months off, it was quite painful in and of itself. I'm very glad about it, though. Now, I really just need to get back into a routine.
I believe THAT relapse ended, finally, on December 2nd. I've actually been feeling pretty good this last week, with only minor twitches or pains or spasms. But, sadly, my right side is starting to show signs of MS too....
Onward! and enjoy!
I know, I know, but a lot of shit has happened since Feb 1. My mom did pass, eventually, on February 25. She went through one hell of a month and as I found out, pretty much because my ...sarcasm hat on... dear sweet darling wonderful fabulous ...sarcasm hat off... brother never showed the hospital or her doctors or the nursing home or anyone "in charge" her Living Will. It clearly stated that she did NOT want to be hooked up to the life-saving devices OR intubated for sure! But she was and suffered because of it. Very sad all around. On top of all that, my hands were tied--at the time I could do nothing. I wasn't "welcome" in "their" home at all, so going barging in and grabbing the papers myself was out of the question. Plus, I was scared to death that my brother would shoot me. He had a gun.
Long story short, after this trauma, drama, and general bullshit, my brother caved when he realized that the rental company was kicking him out of the apartment my mom had rented for so many years. Yep, he had to do something so (drum-roll please) duh-ta-da-dum! Me to the rescue!
He signed all powers over to me, so I inherited all the paperwork! But, as it turns out, if I hadn't have stepped in, or wasn't willing to step in, nothing would've gotten done! Well, since then all has settled down regarding the paperwork and now all I'm looking at is the final tax returns and final estate return which I can file come January 1st.
It's strange...yesterday I awoke with a very deep, profound sense of loss, but for the life of me couldn't figure out what it was all about, until now. It's the finality of my mom's estate, the closing the door on a life well-lived. Sad.
Anyway, throughout the year my MS has progressed with flare-ups throughout--I wonder why?--with a major relapse that started October 2nd. It was then that I had two days of "oh my God, make it stop!!!" vertigo and dizziness almost to the point of throwing up. Then all sorts of new pains, spasms, numbness started all over again. It was shortly after those couple of days that I started thinking about re-trying the Copaxone and maybe getting back to physical therapy, but nothing came of it until November. Wow!!! Time goes by so quickly when you're having so much fun! Right? This is fun, right? Living is fun? Maybe? Constant pain is fun? Or am I deluding myself?
It was November 7th that I finally listened to all those Copaxone syringes, screaming at me from the fridge, "Take ME! Take ME! No, take ME! We can help!"
And you know what? They did help!
Next, it was going back to physical therapy and that happened shortly after my first-again shot, oh about three days after even. With more than three months off, it was quite painful in and of itself. I'm very glad about it, though. Now, I really just need to get back into a routine.
I believe THAT relapse ended, finally, on December 2nd. I've actually been feeling pretty good this last week, with only minor twitches or pains or spasms. But, sadly, my right side is starting to show signs of MS too....
Onward! and enjoy!
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